“Courage, Dear Heart…”

When Chad asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I don’t think he thought I was serious when I said I wanted a new tattoo. 🙂

I got my last tattoo nearly 10 years ago in March of 2005, but I have been thinking about getting a 2nd one for the past 2 years or so.

I don’t tend to get things permanently affixed to my body unless they’re thoroughly thought out and have significant meaning to me. I spent a while trying to think of a great way to not only reflect on the growth I have experienced over the past 3 years, but to also reflect the positive change in my heart as I look ahead to the future.

I stumbled upon this quote on Pintrest by one of my favorite authors: C.S. Lewis and realized how perfect it was.
(I also used it in a blog post not too long ago!)

This quote is from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, which is my favorite book in the Chronicles of Narnia series.

The context is this:

Lucy and the others are on a ship heading into dark, unknown waters. Everyone is scared and worried that Aslan had led them in the wrong direction. (Oh, wow! How many times I have had this very thought!)

At one point in the midst of some turmoil, Lucy whispers, “Aslan, Aslan, if ever you loved us at all, send us help now.”

After she whispers this, C.S. Lewis so perfectly writes:

“The darkness did not grow any less, but she began to feel a little—a very, very little—better.
‘After all, nothing has really happened to us yet,’ she thought.” 

Then Lucy hears a whisper in reply: “Courage, dear heart” and she knew it was Aslan whispering to her.

I just love this part of the book so much because so often in my life, and probably in yours too, life seems dark and full of turmoil. How many times have we questioned where God was in the midst of our confusion, our fear, and our pain?

Those that don’t know the voice of God shake their fists to the heavens and cry out – demanding a reply and a rescue! What I have come to learn slowly, but surely over the past several years is that God is so very near to the broken-hearted. He is a breath away and has not abandoned us. Sometimes the darkness remains around us, but his gentle whisper calms our fears and comes to us in our pain.

The call to have courage is a steep one.

Courage is not easily grasped.
Courage means that when your circumstances don’t change at all that you still trust, you still hope, and you still believe.
Courage waits for that quiet voice to whisper and calm our hearts when our world spins out of control.
Courage knows that a brighter day is coming and that our response should just be to take our Father’s hand as he leads us through and eventually out of the darkness.

After Lucy hears Aslan whisper to her to have courage, Lewis goes on to write:

“In a few moments the darkness turned into a greyness ahead, and then, almost before they dared to begin hoping, they had shot out into the sunlight and were in the warm, blue world again. And all at once everybody realized that there was nothing to be afraid of and never had been. They blinked their eyes and looked about them. The brightness of the ship herself astonished them: they had half expected to find that the darkness would cling to the white and the green and the gold in the form of some grime or scum. And then first one, and then another, began laughing.”

This is exactly the hope that I cling to…That after all this darkness has passed me, that I will find myself in a place more beautiful and more bright than I could have ever dreamed possible. I am not there yet, but I know that day is getting closer…

It takes courage for me to keep hoping.
It takes courage for me to keep dreaming and believing.
It takes courage for me to undergo a procedure or stick myself in a needle for medicine to help me ovulate.
It takes courage to try again and again.
It takes courage for me to fight the bitterness that so often threatens to rear it’s ugly head.
It takes courage for me to tune out the voices of those who speak against the hope my heart clings to.
It takes courage for me to trust that He knows why I am here and He knows where I am going even when I cannot see.

My first tattoo was meant to be a reminder to me that love is difficult, selfless, and requires sacrifice. It was a reminder not only of Christ’s loving sacrifice for me, but the loving sacrifice he calls me to show others.

In the past few years, with all that I have gone through and all that still lies before me, I want the reminder of this difficult season, the reminder of the strength I’ve found in Him, and the reminder of the hope He gives me to be permanent:

Click here to read the full excerpt from Chap. 12 of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis

Love is Patient

Several weeks ago, I made a mistake. I got impatient with the way my life was. I got impatient with someone. I wanted more than I was being given and I was exhausted from being in a season of want and wait for years. I word vomited and immediately regretted it. These things happen. However, like all things of this nature, once it was “out there” I could not pull it back. It has been weighing on me ever since.

Have you ever made a mistake and said or written things that you wished you could take back? Have you ever let the ugliest parts of you be seen and it was not received very well and everything seemed irreversibly different since then? Have you ever wished for more, longed for more, dreamed of more, and felt the ache of that longing? Have you ever felt misunderstood or have you ever misunderstood someone else?

Have you ever not loved someone as well as you should?

I have been thinking so much about love lately.

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I have a family that can’t seem to love each other longer than a few days.
It feels hopeless.

I have friends who I love with my entire being and who love me back right where I am for exactly who I am.
It is beautiful and precious.

I have a husband who I try to love so very well, but because we live together I
often make mistakes or say things I wish I could take back.
Thankfully, he makes mistakes too and we both try to be intentional about
forgiving each other every single time, no matter what.

I have friends with completely different love languages than me.
It is a struggle to remember that others give and receive love differently than I do
and I fail often to allow them to love me in their own way.

I have people I could love so much better than I do.
Jesus, help me love like you do.

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You see….my struggle sometimes is that love is so entirely sacrificial and can, therefore, become so entirely unbalanced by either party. Yet the sacrifice requires a gracious heart that endures the imbalance and loves others anyway.

A lot of people make a big deal about “boundaries” and “setting expectations” so that they don’t get taken advantage of. I agree with this in part and then disagree with this as well. If someone is being abusive to you, then absolutely you should set up boundaries and distance yourself from them. You are precious and under no circumstances do you deserve to be verbally, emotionally, mentally, sexually, or physically abused.

However, I disagree with setting boundaries just when you don’t get what you feel is owed to you – what you feel you deserve. Grace, love, and mercy are given to you freely without you having to do anything to earn them. You don’t deserve them. You’re not owed them. They’re just yours when you agree to receive them. Christ laid down his life for the people who mocked and scourged him. They rejected him and he gave. Grace is relentless and unwavering.

I LOVE this C.S. Lewis quote that so encapsulates the sacrificially loving and patient heart of God towards us:

Do you know what 1st Corinthians lists as the 1st attribute of love?? Patience.

Love is patient.

Love waits for people.
Love waits for the reward, even if it will only come after this life has faded away.
Love is gracious and understanding when people don’t love you well.
Love is being patient with yourself when you fail to love people patiently.
Love is beginning each day with a heart that CHOOSES to remain open, humble, loving, and hopeful.
Love doesn’t give up on people just because they’re not meeting your expectations.
Love isn’t demanding.

So today, I will choose to be patient with others and with myself.
I will pray to become more patient. More gracious. More understanding of others. More willing to wait.

I will wait in hopeful expectation for deeper intimate friendships, for family peace, for the child I long to hold in my arms, for the day when I will see my Granny once again, and for the coming of the One who can settle all the turmoil and chaos of longing in my heart with just one glance of His eye. I will choose to love despite my shortcomings and despite the shortcomings of others. I will not lose heart even though that would be so very easy to do. I will not waver in my faith even though the circumstances around me mock me with their unmet expectations.

I will try my best, despite my failings, to love patiently through His strength as He enables me to give this gracious, patient love to others even when I feel depleted and empty. I will give all of me and He alone will fill me.

On Risking Intimacy

Intimacy has been on my mind more than normal the past several months.
Not intimacy in a romantic way, but intimacy in friendships.

Intimacy is something rare, precious, and beautiful. Obviously it can take time to forge, but it also takes something else that people so often distance themselves from: vulnerability.
Yet, as so many of us know and C.S. Lewis so eloquently said, “To love is to be vulnerable.”

It means that at a deeper level, I want to share with you who I really am.

I want to share:
My flaws,
My hang ups,
What makes me deliriously happy,
My dreams for the future,
My discontentment with things in my life that I wish were better,
What God is teaching me,
What God is really trying to teach me, if I am truly honest,
Where I’d like to be in 5 or 10 years,
What things hurt me the most,
and more…

There is so much to be said that goes past the noise and the cacaphonic clatter of small talk and perpetually shallow topics.

But do you want to know the hardest part about intimacy? The part that is even harder than raw vulnerability…?

Intimacy at its core – every single time – must be consensual.

I cannot be singularly vulnerable and raw with you and suddenly we now have intimacy.
You cannot pour your heart and soul out to me, while I am holding back and expect to feel the deep connection of an intimate friend.
Unfortunately, this is what makes intimate relationships so rare.
It is also what makes it precious and beautiful.
How cheap would intimacy be if we handed it out freely to everyone?

I have had maybe a handful of people in my life with whom I have shared a deep, intimate connection in friendship.
Those friendships have been and, in some cases still are, some of the most precious treasures of my life.
To connect on a real level means to be known, to be understood, and to be loved exactly where you are and for who you are.

Lately, I have found myself wanting more with my friendships in KC.
I need those deep, intimate connections.
Because of being new the area 4 years ago, it took some time to get to know people first.
Now I know and have quite a few friends and I am still finding it difficult to usher in the intimacy that I crave.
I crave it because I have experienced it before and anything less just seems lacking.

I need friends that I don’t just get together with when we have cook outs or birthday parties or game nights, but friends who I can text at a moment’s notice and bare my heart. Friends who can ask me how I am and I can respond, “Well, actually lately I feel like shit and I think I am battling some kind of temporary clinical depression.” Friends that I can ask, “What is going on?” or “How are you?” and they will tell me the things that affected them deeply over the past week, month, or year. Friends who are honest and friends who listen honestly.

Being vulnerable is so difficult because it literally leaves you open and raw to deep hurt. You have to choose wisely who you let in, but once you find someone you love and trust – don’t hold back!
They may be able to have access to the deepest parts of your heart, leaving you open to potential hurt, but by having access to those deep places of your heart you also invite the opportunity for deep love and deep connection. It is unimaginably worth it.

Many of my friendships are beginning to scratch the surface towards this type of intimacy and I love it, but some are holding back in certain ways.
I can tell.

• The first group of friends that are holding back don’t want to share. They’re great listeners and I know, in that moment, they are there for me, but they don’t want to expose their true hearts or thoughts in return.
• The second group of friends share with me freely and vulnerably, but find it difficult to listen to me when I have something I need to share.
• And sadly, the third group of friends show a desire for a close, connected friendship and then suddenly disappear altogether – lost in the flow of life and busyness and responsibilities.

To the first group I say this: When you’re ready, I am here. I am willing and ready to hear your heart and accept you for exactly who you are. You can trust me with your innermost thoughts and feelings. I am a great listener, 100% non-judgmental, and loyal to a fault. Take all the time you need.

To the second group I say this: I need you to listen because I may not have many people I trust to share my life with. I need it more than you might know. I am sorry if some of my struggles seem repetitive, since some of them I have been struggling with for a long time. Please give me a chance to share anyway. I love you honestly sharing your life with me; let me share mine in return.

To the third group I say this: You’re so incredibly busy and you may not realize the extraordinary benefit of an intimate friendship. It can bring so much joy, peace, reassurance, and even clarity to the pandemonium of your life. You don’t have to have this deep connection with me, but please find someone in your life to share a deeper connection with. You will be amazed at how taking the time for some deep, connected friendships can bring harmony to so many areas of your life.

To you reading this blog post.
Share your life with someone!
Find someone to trust and really trust them.
Be real and honest and vulnerable because without those things, what is the point?
Find someone you can cry in front of without embarrassment.
Find someone who stops everything they’re doing to listen to you.
Find someone you care for and listen to their heart with nothing but a smile, a hug, reassuring words, and love to give back to them.

Love people.
Be vulnerable.
Find treasure in intimacy.