The last post I wrote was about saying goodbye to something I was comfortable and familiar with. It took me a while to even want to update because aside from some extraordinary vacation trips, I just didn’t feel like on a deeper level I had anything I wanted to say. You readers who have been keeping up with me on this blog know where I’ve been for the past 3+ years with feeling like I was in limbo. Longing for a change. Longing to feel inspired. Longing to be a mother and have some direction for my life. So when things feel the same as they did months ago…. what is there to update? As it turns out…. “nothing” is the answer.
Well now things have changed! No, I am still not pregnant and I am tackling that particular longing and heartache one day at a time… But things have definitely changed for the better and – although I didn’t know it at the time – it all began to change when I decided to leave my last job at Park University.
The problem never was my job in particular or my infertility or the fact that I felt like I was waiting for my life to begin. All of those things were certainly bothering me, but the real problem underlying all of it was my environment – the atmosphere around me – was significantly affecting my perspective about my life and about my identity. The day I chose to leave Park and open myself up to whatever God had for me was incredibly scary. I second guessed it, cried the whole drive home the day I turned in my leave form, and had to find a quiet place to just sit and breathe for a while as I came to terms with the bold move I had just made. Fast forward to me finishing my time there and having my last day and saying my goodbyes…. I drove away from Park’s campus and all I could feel was refreshing, wonderful peace. It LITERALLY washed over me. I know people say that as a metaphor all the time to imply that peace came upon them suddenly, but I literally felt the tension, the stress, and the unnamed negativity leave my body and my mind starting at the top of my head and all the way down to my toes. Peace WASHED over me like a gentle, but constant waterfall and I knew that whatever was coming next was going to be good.
Now it is nearly 3 months later and I am in my 5th day of work in my new job at the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City.
Getting this job was a lengthy process, but I felt God’s hand of reassurance on me the entire way. When other jobs I had applied for didn’t work out, I didn’t stress because I just felt like I was going to get THIS job and I was right! I can’t express enough how entirely and wonderfully different this job is compared to my last one and the difference that has made on my personal life and identity as well. It took me less than a few hours in my 1st day at Park University to realize that there were office bullies, lots of drama, lots of gossip, and only a handful of people you could trust. It’s been 5 days now at the FRB and I am amazed at the positive energy and connectedness around me. People don’t just like each other – they trust each other. They help each other and value each other. They joke with each other and laugh together and encourage each other to shine.
The result is that I feel part of something bigger and more important than myself. At Park, it was a constant effort to just manage the difficult people and failing policies around you. It was a reactive effort that took a ton of energy and yielded very little results. I felt like I had some coworkers who appreciated me and my managers certainly did…. but Park as a whole neglects it’s talent and fosters a negative culture within it’s departments.
My new job at the FRB couldn’t be any more different. It is dynamic and moving forward. I am a vital and appreciated piece within a strong working culture. Aside from being compensated fairly for what I bring to the table (also a new feeling!), I am amazed at how many little things the FRB does that reflect this overarching message to every employee: you are important to us and the mission.
(Seriously, if you can get a job at any Reserve Bank, you should!)
I may not get pregnant for a long time.
I may not ever get pregnant actually.
I may or may not end up going to grad school, at least not anytime soon.
I may not get everything I hope and dream for or think I at least deserve….
But while I am waiting….while I am trusting God with His timing for the plans and purposes of my life…. while I am full of longing…. while I am just filling the passing days with productivity… while I am finding purpose in other things….
I am feeling a lot better about this waiting process and God’s timing now that I am able to move and work with purpose and value.
Now that I am working for a company that appreciates each member of it’s staff for their role within the team.
Only God could have ordained such an extraordinary and gracious transition in my life so quickly.
He is good.