I’ve been talking recently with a trusted, dear friend about the messages that many of us have internally – in our heads and our hearts – sometimes consciously and sometimes subconsciously. Often, we either accept and internalize these inner messages as we go throughout our day and they eventually shape our core motivation and behavior, or we recognize these messages for what they are and fight to replace them with truth in hopes that we will eventually stop hearing them as loudly or as often.
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel like I was fighting to belong or feel like I mattered.
From a very early age, I used to pray for a sister and when it became clear that I was not going to ever get one, I began praying for a best friend. I felt alone and lost without someone to confide in or trust or share life with. As life happened, as it often does, I had to fight harder against this message that I didn’t belong or that I didn’t matter. My biological father chose to walk out on me (and the rest of my family) and didn’t show any interest in ever seeing me again or making sure I was being taken care of. My mother did the best with what she had, but after the divorce would “check out” on us – sometimes for short stretches of time and sometimes for much longer. It made me feel like a burden or something to be managed rather than a person to be known and loved. I had to grow up so fast. Being a single mother to three kids must have been the most difficult thing – I really can’t imagine and have an immense amount of compassion for her… but with great difficulty comes great pain and anger and I often felt like the target of that pain and that anger. We also moved OFTEN growing up, so I felt like I was always the new kid – every time. Always coming into established circles of friends with their established norms and memories and inside jokes. I’d hang out and laugh and act fine, but always on the outskirts of what felt like something close and special…
There have been a handful of people in my life through the years who have welcomed me into their hearts the way that I’d always longed. These beautiful few have had to spend time and energy ensuring and reminding me that I matter and that I am beloved by them. I am forever grateful for these relationships and still keep in contact with them today in one form or another – these people are my family. Some of them have been in my life for a long time, while others are still relatively new. Some of them I have grown closer to and have grown to have greater depth with over the years and others have become less close or less deep but are still precious to me. I know that each and every one has cared for me fully and genuinely.
And yet, I struggle.
Why is it that after all this time and all these relationships that show me over and over again that I am loved and that I matter, do I still struggle to believe it? Why is it that God can prove Himself kind and generous and compassionate and faithful in my life and yet I still struggle to get my heart to rest and to trust? Will there ever be a day when these internal negative messages cease or will this always be a ‘thorn in my side’ that lingers until my time here is done?
I’ve certainly had people come into my life who have worked against my healing. People who claimed to love me and promised me that they were trustworthy, but who – as it turns out – were only using me and thinking of themselves. Some of these people have caused internal setbacks that have lasted for years. I will one day soon tell these stories and dissect all the lessons learned from those experiences, but not today.
Today I am reflecting. I am listening. I am leaning in and whispering to God in the quiet places of my heart to continue to heal these broken places and make His voice louder than the messages in my head and heart. I am not here for pity or even reassurance. I am not writing this to vent or lament. I am writing this to you because maybe you struggle with the same thing. Maybe it isn’t the same message or the same wounds, but maybe you too fight messages in your head and your heart that are simply not true. Words are avenues and by sharing my stories I open the door for you to reflect on and, if you are comfortable, to share yours.
I don’t know about you, but I would rather live my life pursuing freedom, light, joy, and peace in the things I do, the choices I make, the relationships I invest in, etc. I don’t want to be crippled by fear, comparison, doubt, insecurity, or regret. I want to choose to be brave, to risk intimacy and depth, and to surround myself with people who speak life into me and want the best for me. Over time, these messages in my head and my heart will be rewritten. Until then, I will choose to silence the voice in my head that continually tries to paralyze me, and I invite you to do the same. Get support if you need help doing so. Whether you believe in the same God I believe in or something else, make a choice today to stop going through your life numb and believing these lies you’ve heard echoed all your life and look for ways to replace those messages with the truth about who you are — worthy of love and more than enough…just as you are.
What messages have you come to believe about yourself that impact the freedom you have in your life and relationships? What messages of truth and light can we both work to replace the lies?
words are avenues 