Succeed on Purpose

Part of just wants to start this post with another typical “It’s been a while,” but I think we all can see that clearly. In some sense, I kind of started out that way anyway. Oh well 🙂

I just needed to write tonight.

This season is all consuming and I won’t really catch any long-term reprieve for a while. I work a job where I support others, so all day long I am meeting other’s needs whether big or small. Honestly, even though I can daydream about a job where I can read my homework all day long, I actually find it incredibly energizing to help people in my office who truly need the help. Not the mundane, boring stuff that anyone can do, but the stuff that I am particularly suited to help with. Those busy days when I am strategically solving problems, putting out small fires, using my writing skills, or lightening the load of one of my bosses are my favorite kinds of days… I wouldn’t want my days to be any other way…

I also come home to a little boy who looks to me to meet all of his needs. He brings me his shoes. He comes to me for snuggles and asks for his milk cup when he is getting tired. He now says “thank you” to me whenever I do anything for him and it’s incredible to me how much he looks to me for his physical, mental, social, and emotional needs. He is in that typical toddler stage where he LOVES his Mama and wants ME and I would not want it any other way…

Chad has learned how best to support me in this time and I could not do this season right now without him, but even he is his own person with his own needs and it’s a hard balance to find the time to be his wife, be his friend, be his support, and give him the time he needs to be himself when I rely on him so much right now. We’re being forced to communicate better, be more selfless towards one another, and look for the small ways to show we love each other in this season of very, very limited down time. We’re growing together and I wouldn’t want it any other way…

And then I am a student and my professors want so much from me right now because dammit I am in grad school and grad school is supposed to be demanding, so I just buckle up and do what I need to do. I am being challenged. I am learning things. I am navigating difficult waters, but “nothing worth having comes easy” and I wouldn’t want it any other way…

And so here I am drowning in the chaos of my own life… by choice.

I fondly remember when I used to be able to take a great novel to the Starbucks patio on Barry road and read for hours on end with not nearly enough sun screen. I remember when Chad and I could just go catch a movie because we wanted to and that that didn’t require any planning other than showtimes and ticket pick up. I remember when weekends were spent with friends and long conversations with those friends about everything and nothing.

I know that this is a season. I won’t always be an admin. I won’t always have a toddler. I won’t always rely on Chad so much as I do now. I will one day have friends again and quality time and deep conversations.

Until then, I am just managing more stress than I let on and trying to remain positive even though that is difficult for me.

I am tired.
I am drained.
I am sleep deprived.
I am lonely.
I am angry.
I feel guilty.

I have so many needs that are not being met, but I am taking things one day at a time right now. This is a season of growth, and perseverance, and strength. I have never been so busy in my life, but I have gone through hard times and I know now just how much I am capable of.

I am not lucky to be where I am or have what I have. I am thankful to have been given what I have and I have worked hard to get here…

I was inspired recently by a story of a young girl who with dedication, commitment, and hard work achieved so much at a very young age and was recently named “the most accomplished performer of UNO’s Division I era.”The thing is, she came from a long line of accomplished siblings because their parents taught them that with hard work and commitment, you can achieve anything.

I want to teach that to Travis. I want to model that for him.
It might be hard, but it will be worth it…

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Current Thoughts

It has once again been a while since I last wrote.
This time I cannot blame my blogging absence on the past 6 weeks of massive amounts of overtime at work.
I haven’t written because I haven’t really had that much to say that I haven’t already said so many times.

I think I got used to life changing so much. Whether it be the moves between cities after Chad and I got married or the changes occurring between each new school semester, life had an ebb and flow to it so that I got used to the fluctuations.

Now my life feels like a big run on sentence that needs a lot more commas and eventually needs to end so a new sentence can begin. Instead of the ebbs and flows of my previous life, my life is in a stagnant holding pattern. I feel like that cramped passenger on a huge plane full of sweaty bodies and humid air just waiting for the go ahead to take off, but instead you’ve been just sitting on the runway for over 45 minutes and no one has explained WHY.

I did take a few vacations and we even had some family come visit us, but these are brief respites from the norm. Not that I don’t love my life. I do! Being married to Chad is wonderful and our friends are absolutely the best! It is just that I only see my friends here and there throughout a given week and I only see Chad for a few hours each night and then weekends. The rest of the time I am here. At work. A job I am thankful for, but not the job I was made for. Not the job that challenges me. Not the job that allows me to feel fulfilled in the passions and gifting God has given me. For a job like that, I need to start and finish grad school. For grad school I need us to be more financially stable and I need to have an idea on when I will actually start grad school.

Forgive me for just rambling and complaining, but these are the thoughts and the feelings that course through me every single day. I need a change. I need to feel like the future holds more than my gray cubicle and paying bills. I need to feel like the best moments and the happiest times can occur outside of taking a vacation/sick day. This job is serving it’s purpose for now and I am finding the common graces of God in places unexpected as I search for ways to give back and find meaning.

But really.
For now.

I am waiting.

Waiting sucks.

ws4e9u

HA!! —–>    drugs-alexoloughlin

Free :: Alive :: Grateful

I am sitting here at work updating my blog and feeling very blessed.

Thanksgiving has already passed and I already stated very clearly in my last post what I am not thankful for.
But this morning I found myself feeling free, alive, and grateful.

Free because yesterday I finished my Capstone presentation and it went extremely well. I feel very nostalgic already. My very last English class as an undergrad is 98% complete, but all the writing, reading, researching, etc is over. As happy as I will be to not have homework to do nearly every night, I am very sad to be just a few weeks away from being a student. I love school! I love learning! I love being an English major! I am nearly FREE, but it is bittersweet and that is a good thing.

Alive because am blessed with so many things that make me smile and laugh. My husband is the absolute funniest person on the planet. My friends are so thoughtful and so caring. My new coworkers are so welcoming. My old coworkers make me feel very special by how they will miss me and already do.

Grateful because I have a husband who loves me so much and is constantly saying how proud he is of me.
And grateful for little things like being able to keep my car in a warm garage all winter, our kitties being overly needy for love, a great cup of coffee, Christmas decor, scarfs from Italy, etc.

This may turn out to be a rambling, random, and nonsensical post – but I just wanted to write out how I am feeling today while I still have  enough down time at work to do so.

I am also technically getting paid to write this. Be jealous. 🙂