Succeed on Purpose

Part of just wants to start this post with another typical “It’s been a while,” but I think we all can see that clearly. In some sense, I kind of started out that way anyway. Oh well 🙂

I just needed to write tonight.

This season is all consuming and I won’t really catch any long-term reprieve for a while. I work a job where I support others, so all day long I am meeting other’s needs whether big or small. Honestly, even though I can daydream about a job where I can read my homework all day long, I actually find it incredibly energizing to help people in my office who truly need the help. Not the mundane, boring stuff that anyone can do, but the stuff that I am particularly suited to help with. Those busy days when I am strategically solving problems, putting out small fires, using my writing skills, or lightening the load of one of my bosses are my favorite kinds of days… I wouldn’t want my days to be any other way…

I also come home to a little boy who looks to me to meet all of his needs. He brings me his shoes. He comes to me for snuggles and asks for his milk cup when he is getting tired. He now says “thank you” to me whenever I do anything for him and it’s incredible to me how much he looks to me for his physical, mental, social, and emotional needs. He is in that typical toddler stage where he LOVES his Mama and wants ME and I would not want it any other way…

Chad has learned how best to support me in this time and I could not do this season right now without him, but even he is his own person with his own needs and it’s a hard balance to find the time to be his wife, be his friend, be his support, and give him the time he needs to be himself when I rely on him so much right now. We’re being forced to communicate better, be more selfless towards one another, and look for the small ways to show we love each other in this season of very, very limited down time. We’re growing together and I wouldn’t want it any other way…

And then I am a student and my professors want so much from me right now because dammit I am in grad school and grad school is supposed to be demanding, so I just buckle up and do what I need to do. I am being challenged. I am learning things. I am navigating difficult waters, but “nothing worth having comes easy” and I wouldn’t want it any other way…

And so here I am drowning in the chaos of my own life… by choice.

I fondly remember when I used to be able to take a great novel to the Starbucks patio on Barry road and read for hours on end with not nearly enough sun screen. I remember when Chad and I could just go catch a movie because we wanted to and that that didn’t require any planning other than showtimes and ticket pick up. I remember when weekends were spent with friends and long conversations with those friends about everything and nothing.

I know that this is a season. I won’t always be an admin. I won’t always have a toddler. I won’t always rely on Chad so much as I do now. I will one day have friends again and quality time and deep conversations.

Until then, I am just managing more stress than I let on and trying to remain positive even though that is difficult for me.

I am tired.
I am drained.
I am sleep deprived.
I am lonely.
I am angry.
I feel guilty.

I have so many needs that are not being met, but I am taking things one day at a time right now. This is a season of growth, and perseverance, and strength. I have never been so busy in my life, but I have gone through hard times and I know now just how much I am capable of.

I am not lucky to be where I am or have what I have. I am thankful to have been given what I have and I have worked hard to get here…

I was inspired recently by a story of a young girl who with dedication, commitment, and hard work achieved so much at a very young age and was recently named “the most accomplished performer of UNO’s Division I era.”The thing is, she came from a long line of accomplished siblings because their parents taught them that with hard work and commitment, you can achieve anything.

I want to teach that to Travis. I want to model that for him.
It might be hard, but it will be worth it…

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Tick Tock

I am finding it very difficult lately over the past few weeks to not feel overcome with anxiety over everything that still needs to get done. I feel like I can only do 1/2 of what I’m typically capable because I become so exhausted so much more quickly. I also feel that every time we accomplish something on our massive to-do list, 3 more things get added.

Is this normal?

I am 26 weeks as of today and the nursery has not even been touched because we have so many other things to finish before we can be ready to start putting the nursery together. Between working full time at a job that has its own daily, never-ending demands and all the projects we have going on, I feel overwhelmed that we’re falling dangerously behind and running out of time.

Is 26 weeks really that late to still not have anything done with the nursery?? Because people keep asking me if I have the nursery “all set up” and every time they ask me that I feel a growing sense of anxiety that lately reduces me to tears without warning…

I need Jesus to be my peace and my help…. I try to center myself in Him and find my strength in Him…  But I’m still getting stressed and still crying at a moment’s notice when something else is either added to my to-do list or delays checking something off my list….

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New Beginnings

The last post I wrote was about saying goodbye to something I was comfortable and familiar with. It took me a while to even want to update because aside from some extraordinary vacation trips, I just didn’t feel like on a deeper level I had anything I wanted to say. You readers who have been keeping up with me on this blog know where I’ve been for the past 3+ years with feeling like I was in limbo. Longing for a change. Longing to feel inspired. Longing to be a mother and have some direction for my life. So when things feel the same as they did months ago…. what is there to update? As it turns out…. “nothing” is the answer.

Well now things have changed! No, I am still not pregnant and I am tackling that particular longing and heartache one day at a time… But things have definitely changed for the better and – although I didn’t know it at the time – it all began to change when I decided to leave my last job at Park University.

The problem never was my job in particular or my infertility or the fact that I felt like I was waiting for my life to begin. All of those things were certainly bothering me, but the real problem underlying all of it was my environment – the atmosphere around me – was significantly affecting my perspective about my life and about my identity. The day I chose to leave Park and open myself up to whatever God had for me was incredibly scary. I second guessed it, cried the whole drive home the day I turned in my leave form, and had to find a quiet place to just sit and breathe for a while as I came to terms with the bold move I had just made. Fast forward to me finishing my time there and having my last day and saying my goodbyes…. I drove away from Park’s campus and all I could feel was refreshing, wonderful peace. It LITERALLY washed over me. I know people say that as a metaphor all the time to imply that peace came upon them suddenly, but I literally felt the tension, the stress, and the unnamed negativity leave my body and my mind starting at the top of my head and all the way down to my toes. Peace WASHED over me like a gentle, but constant waterfall and I knew that whatever was coming next was going to be good.

Now it is nearly 3 months later and I am in my 5th day of work in my new job at the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City.

 

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Getting this job was a lengthy process, but I felt God’s hand of reassurance on me the entire way. When other jobs I had applied for didn’t work out, I didn’t stress because I just felt like I was going to get THIS job and I was right! I can’t express enough how entirely and wonderfully different this job is compared to my last one and the difference that has made on my personal life and identity as well. It took me less than a few hours in my 1st day at Park University to realize that there were office bullies, lots of drama, lots of gossip, and only a handful of people you could trust. It’s been 5 days now at the FRB and I am amazed at the positive energy and connectedness around me. People don’t just like each other – they trust each other. They help each other and value each other. They joke with each other and laugh together and encourage each other to shine.

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The result is that I feel part of something bigger and more important than myself. At Park, it was a constant effort to just manage the difficult people and failing policies around you. It was a reactive effort that took a ton of energy and yielded very little results. I felt like I had some coworkers who appreciated me and my managers certainly did…. but Park as a whole neglects it’s talent and fosters a negative culture within it’s departments.
My new job at the FRB couldn’t be any more different. It is dynamic and moving forward. I am a vital and appreciated piece within a strong working culture. Aside from being compensated fairly for what I bring to the table (also a new feeling!), I am amazed at how many little things the FRB does that reflect this overarching message to every employee: you are important to us and the mission.

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(Seriously, if you can get a job at any Reserve Bank, you should!)

You see….

I may not get pregnant for a long time.
I may not ever get pregnant actually.
I may or may not end up going to grad school, at least not anytime soon.
I may not get everything I hope and dream for or think I at least deserve….

But while I am waiting….while I am trusting God with His timing for the plans and purposes of my life…. while I am full of longing…. while I am just filling the passing days with productivity… while I am finding purpose in other things….

I am feeling a lot better about this waiting process and God’s timing now that I am able to move and work with purpose and value.
Now that I am working for a company that appreciates each member of it’s staff for their role within the team.

Only God could have ordained such an extraordinary and gracious transition in my life so quickly.
He is good.