New Beginnings

The last post I wrote was about saying goodbye to something I was comfortable and familiar with. It took me a while to even want to update because aside from some extraordinary vacation trips, I just didn’t feel like on a deeper level I had anything I wanted to say. You readers who have been keeping up with me on this blog know where I’ve been for the past 3+ years with feeling like I was in limbo. Longing for a change. Longing to feel inspired. Longing to be a mother and have some direction for my life. So when things feel the same as they did months ago…. what is there to update? As it turns out…. “nothing” is the answer.

Well now things have changed! No, I am still not pregnant and I am tackling that particular longing and heartache one day at a time… But things have definitely changed for the better and – although I didn’t know it at the time – it all began to change when I decided to leave my last job at Park University.

The problem never was my job in particular or my infertility or the fact that I felt like I was waiting for my life to begin. All of those things were certainly bothering me, but the real problem underlying all of it was my environment – the atmosphere around me – was significantly affecting my perspective about my life and about my identity. The day I chose to leave Park and open myself up to whatever God had for me was incredibly scary. I second guessed it, cried the whole drive home the day I turned in my leave form, and had to find a quiet place to just sit and breathe for a while as I came to terms with the bold move I had just made. Fast forward to me finishing my time there and having my last day and saying my goodbyes…. I drove away from Park’s campus and all I could feel was refreshing, wonderful peace. It LITERALLY washed over me. I know people say that as a metaphor all the time to imply that peace came upon them suddenly, but I literally felt the tension, the stress, and the unnamed negativity leave my body and my mind starting at the top of my head and all the way down to my toes. Peace WASHED over me like a gentle, but constant waterfall and I knew that whatever was coming next was going to be good.

Now it is nearly 3 months later and I am in my 5th day of work in my new job at the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City.



Getting this job was a lengthy process, but I felt God’s hand of reassurance on me the entire way. When other jobs I had applied for didn’t work out, I didn’t stress because I just felt like I was going to get THIS job and I was right! I can’t express enough how entirely and wonderfully different this job is compared to my last one and the difference that has made on my personal life and identity as well. It took me less than a few hours in my 1st day at Park University to realize that there were office bullies, lots of drama, lots of gossip, and only a handful of people you could trust. It’s been 5 days now at the FRB and I am amazed at the positive energy and connectedness around me. People don’t just like each other – they trust each other. They help each other and value each other. They joke with each other and laugh together and encourage each other to shine.


The result is that I feel part of something bigger and more important than myself. At Park, it was a constant effort to just manage the difficult people and failing policies around you. It was a reactive effort that took a ton of energy and yielded very little results. I felt like I had some coworkers who appreciated me and my managers certainly did…. but Park as a whole neglects it’s talent and fosters a negative culture within it’s departments.
My new job at the FRB couldn’t be any more different. It is dynamic and moving forward. I am a vital and appreciated piece within a strong working culture. Aside from being compensated fairly for what I bring to the table (also a new feeling!), I am amazed at how many little things the FRB does that reflect this overarching message to every employee: you are important to us and the mission.

Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City

(Seriously, if you can get a job at any Reserve Bank, you should!)

You see….

I may not get pregnant for a long time.
I may not ever get pregnant actually.
I may or may not end up going to grad school, at least not anytime soon.
I may not get everything I hope and dream for or think I at least deserve….

But while I am waiting….while I am trusting God with His timing for the plans and purposes of my life…. while I am full of longing…. while I am just filling the passing days with productivity… while I am finding purpose in other things….

I am feeling a lot better about this waiting process and God’s timing now that I am able to move and work with purpose and value.
Now that I am working for a company that appreciates each member of it’s staff for their role within the team.

Only God could have ordained such an extraordinary and gracious transition in my life so quickly.
He is good.


Saying Goodbye

Today is my last day of employment at Park University.

It is truly bittersweet. I am sitting alone in my office today feeling very nostalgic and somewhat anxious. Overall I just don’t like change, but sometimes you just have to summon up the courage to embrace change for yourself when you know it is the best move for you.

I’ve been driving to Park University almost every day since we moved to Kansas City. For 3 and 1/2 years, I’ve grappled with the limited parking, the tons of walking required to get from where you parked to the building you’re headed to, and watched the seasons change with the ‘Hogwarts-esque’ towering building of MacKay in the background.

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As a student, I had amazing classes, classmates, and even better professors. I couldn’t have asked for better departmental faculty to guide me as I earned and completed my Bachelor’s degree.

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Shortly before my rapidly approaching graduation, I was sitting in a meeting as the student representative for the Higher Learning Commission Steering Committee and this woman I had been watching in these meetings for the past few months handed out an organizational chart for her department to depict a restructuring they had recently gone through. The handout showed two positions currently open within her department. Up until this point, this woman had shown herself in these meetings to be organized, wonderfully candid, and articulate. I knew that she was someone I could potentially see myself working for and what better place to work than my soon-to-be alma mater?


After getting the job in student accounts working directly under her, I was literally thrust into the middle of chaos. The department was in the middle of Spring enrollment confirmation, they’d just switched to an entirely new phone system, and I wasn’t the only new hire they were trying to train. It was crazy to say the least. Add to that the fact that I was given the responsibility for processing all third party tuition assistance invoices each term. ME. The English major. Who hates Math. That was super fun to figure out.

Despite the chaos and the stress, I’ve enjoyed my job because I quickly grew to like most of the people I worked with and I loved my boss. She was an amazing trainer, an avid support, one of those true go-getters, and one of the best examples of outstanding leadership I have ever encountered. You just don’t find incredible bosses like that very often and it is even rarer that you eventually become good friends with them. Some things in life are irreplaceable.

I have become friends with so many of my Park coworkers, including the friendships formed back when I was a student and work study….Now (even though leaving Park is absolutely the best move for me) I have to say goodbye to these wonderful people and there’s been a lump in my throat all morning long.

So even though it was my own choice to leave, I will still miss the people I met through Park and will miss seeing their faces everyday. One of the biggest things I have learned in my life is that time moves us all along. I’ve had to make new friends so often in my life it should be considered inhumane (especially for an introvert! haha). From this experience, I’ve also learned that whether life brings you new seasonal friends or new forever friends, you have to take advantage of every moment and cherish each of them for as long as you possibly can…

Current Thoughts

It has once again been a while since I last wrote.
This time I cannot blame my blogging absence on the past 6 weeks of massive amounts of overtime at work.
I haven’t written because I haven’t really had that much to say that I haven’t already said so many times.

I think I got used to life changing so much. Whether it be the moves between cities after Chad and I got married or the changes occurring between each new school semester, life had an ebb and flow to it so that I got used to the fluctuations.

Now my life feels like a big run on sentence that needs a lot more commas and eventually needs to end so a new sentence can begin. Instead of the ebbs and flows of my previous life, my life is in a stagnant holding pattern. I feel like that cramped passenger on a huge plane full of sweaty bodies and humid air just waiting for the go ahead to take off, but instead you’ve been just sitting on the runway for over 45 minutes and no one has explained WHY.

I did take a few vacations and we even had some family come visit us, but these are brief respites from the norm. Not that I don’t love my life. I do! Being married to Chad is wonderful and our friends are absolutely the best! It is just that I only see my friends here and there throughout a given week and I only see Chad for a few hours each night and then weekends. The rest of the time I am here. At work. A job I am thankful for, but not the job I was made for. Not the job that challenges me. Not the job that allows me to feel fulfilled in the passions and gifting God has given me. For a job like that, I need to start and finish grad school. For grad school I need us to be more financially stable and I need to have an idea on when I will actually start grad school.

Forgive me for just rambling and complaining, but these are the thoughts and the feelings that course through me every single day. I need a change. I need to feel like the future holds more than my gray cubicle and paying bills. I need to feel like the best moments and the happiest times can occur outside of taking a vacation/sick day. This job is serving it’s purpose for now and I am finding the common graces of God in places unexpected as I search for ways to give back and find meaning.

But really.
For now.

I am waiting.

Waiting sucks.


HA!! —–>    drugs-alexoloughlin