You know how they say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? It makes sense to assume that trying something over and over and getting absolutely no where would drive someone insane, right?
I sometimes feel like I a losing my mind.
Today I took a test that would either 1.) determine a new role for me for the rest of my life or 2.) would just be the same old results I always get. It was a pregnancy test and it was the latter.
God, this hurts.
Can you even fathom waiting and hoping and dreaming for something not only for 2.5 years, but every 30 days or so as well? Imagine that every single cycle you recover from the grief of another negative pregnancy test only to begin trying again and allowing yourself to hope and dream again – only to cycle back around into the darkness of hopelessness and loss. Even the “trying for a baby” part begins to lose its fairy tale appeal because while the rest of the world gets to just have sex all the time and magically turn up pregnant, your journey becomes more of a horror story involving multiple invasive vaginal ultrasounds, medication you have to inject yourself with in the abdomen every single day, the side effects of swollen enlarged ovaries, having to perfectly and intricately time when you have sex rather than being able to just do it when you actually want to, and add to that having many of the symptoms of pregnancy that only continue to falsely fuel your hopes and dreams because you had to give yourself a HCG shot to trigger ovulation resulting in the actual pregnancy hormone coursing through your body for 12 days.
It royally sucks.
I have never experienced such a traumatic roller coasters of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain.
Couple that with the fact that you’re now in your 30’s, so every single woman you seem to encounter is pregnant or already have 3-4 kids of her own. It not only will make you feel insane, but you’ll start to be jealous of the most ridiculous things.
How many times have I driven by someone’s house and been jealous of the toys laying in their yard?
How many times have I seen someone exhausted from being up all night with their newborn and wish I even had such a glorious reason to lose sleep?
Oh if I could tell you how many times have I even been jealous that someone had to deal with spit up, poopy diaper explosions, colicky babies, and even toddler tantrums because even in those difficult and not fun moments of parenting it still means that they are, in fact, a mother. Something I feel is so far out of my reach.
I know I am venting and complaining, but wouldn’t you?
You can’t tell me to “relax and it will happen” and you better not tell me to “rejoice in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart” because none of that negates the pain and sorrow I have to cycle through on a constant basis. I do trust God. I do rejoice in Him. I am waiting on His timing. But He has given me the freedom to grieve and cry out and beg for understanding even if it is beyond me.
I’ve actually been loving this song on the radio by Plumb called “Need You Now” because the lyrics resonate with exactly what my heart has been feeling. The sense that you can reach a point of heartache so deep that you cry out to God to “please take this” from you. The point of heartache where you’re so tired from having to hold on for so long and you just need His strength to keep breathing…. It is beautifully powerful.