Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick

I am starting to really understand the meaning of “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” 
I feel like my heart is gasping for air.
I feel like I am unraveling.
My heart feels bruised, weak, and lethargic.

A very small few of you know what I am about to write about and some of you don’t.
Because I am a writer, I work through things best by writing it out – venting it all.
So just tread lightly, if you will, with your quick comments and well-meaning one liners.
Let me explain.

Chad and I have been trying to have a baby since August.
Not exactly trying as long as some couples, so it goes without saying that others have been “waiting” longer with no results.
But that is not my heartache.

All last Fall with one exception shortly after getting off birth control, I became very regular.
Literally, my periods started on the 28th of every month for4 months like clockwork.
30 day long cycles.
I was mostly fine every month I didn’t conceive and got my period instead because deep down I just logically knew that this would be a process.
I was determined to enjoy the process and just keep going at it, so to speak.

After my period on December 28th, I did have another period until February 4th.
Eight days late.
Naturally, I got my hopes up.
However, I did not have any weird side effects or symptoms – just a missed period.
A few negative Home Pregnancy Tests (HPTs) after Jan. 28th and I was just stuck waiting.
When my period started on February 4th, I was sad.
I was sure I was pregnant even though I didn’t have any other symptoms.
I just assumed I was too early in my potential pregnancy to have symptoms yet.

I went to my OBGYN for my annual exam and she told me to begin Ovulation Testing Kits that month.

So for 20 days in the month of February I got up in the morning, peed on a stick, and waited 5 minutes to see if it would say I was about to ovulate.
I got 2-3 different days where it seemed like it was a positive result on the test (those things are way too hard to interpret!) and so Chad and I made good use of those days (and a few days after even) trying to make a baby.

Because my period was late and came on February 4th, I wasn’t due to start my next period until March 7th.

March 7th came and went.

March 10th came and went.

No period.

I started feeling somewhat hopeful and excited.
At this point I started having certain symptoms.
I will spare the personal details because some male gender’d friends of mine read this blog, but the important factor is that I didn’t know that some of these symptoms could even occur in an early pregnancy. I had the symptom first and then had to Google it to see what caused it. The most common result was always early pregnancy.
So then I REALLY started getting my hopes up.

(If you want to know what they were, message me.)

Let’s fast forward to today.

Today I am 15 days late for my period.
I have taken 4 HPTs and they were all negative.
I had my doctor’s office to a urine test – it was negative.
Yesterday they did a Quantitative HCG Blood Test. This is a blood lab test that checks your blood for even the smallest minuscule amounts of HCG (the pregnancy hormone) to determine if you’re indeed pregnant. It is considered very accurate.

They rushed this lab work, so I could know by the end of the day my results. This was largely due to how anxious I had been feeling about my missed period + all my symptoms + the negative urine tests. When I told the doctor my symptoms as she prepared to draw my blood, even she said it sounded very promising that I was in fact pregnant. She assured me that some women just do not have positive HPTs for unknown reasons.

They called me about 2 hours later. My HCG levels were less than 2.

“You’re not pregnant.” the nurse sadly told me.

So herein lies my heartache.
I am not nearly as sad that it is “taking a while to get pregnant” – I am sad because my body is tricking me! Like some kind of sociopatheic, twisted joke!
I would so much rather NOT be pregnant, get my period, and be able to move on in hopes of trying again next month than to think for WEEKS that I am pregnant with no way to confirm it through tests!
I have never skipped a period.
I have never been so irregular!
I don’t know how to cope with the grief of the roller-coaster ride that gets my hopes up and then brings them down crashing and burning.
It may sound dramatic to you, but maybe you just can’t relate.
Most of my friends got pregnant easily or had “surprises”
Most of my friends who had a harder time trying to conceive never went this long with a missed period only to get “negative” test results.
I need to know that this can happen and has happened to other people, so I don’t feel so isolated by all of this!

I have not been able to stop crying after I got that phone call.
I left my friend’s house and cried the entire 45 minute drive home.
I hugged Chad when I got home and cried.
We lay in bed together talking through it and I continued to cry.
We fell asleep at 7:30pm or so and slept until 11:30pm.
I woke up sad.
I wanted to cry.
I felt a little better talking through it with him, but here is the real issue:

I STILL FEEL PREGNANT.

I still have ALL my symptoms.
The biggest two that are drastically affecting my day to day functioning are the fact that I am ALWAYS tired.
ALWAYS.

Last week during Spring break I would sleep until NOON, need a nap by 4pm, and want to be in bed by 8 or 9!
I am exhausted.

The other thing is that I am supposed to be on this weight loss program, but I have lost any and all desire to eat.
Food just sounds disgusting.
I can barely make myself drink water or eat a bowl of cereal.
I am not vomiting or anything, but I have no appetite and the thought or smell of certain foods makes me nauseous.
So I will go way too long without eating just because I don’t even want to think about it, and then hours later my stomach is growling and I have to make myself eat something that doesn’t sound good.

My symptoms don’t stop there, but like I said I will spare you the personal details.

My question is this:

Can a person get negative urine tests and a negative blood test and still be pregnant?!?!
I read online about hundreds of women it has happened to, but it doesn’t seem like doctors acknowledge that it’s possible?

If you are a woman, has this ever happened to you?!

How can I feel all these symptoms and not be pregnant?
If I am indeed not pregnant, what is WRONG with my body?

– – And please, PLEASE don’t comment and say all the things I already know. Say you wish you could be here. Say you wish you could relate and that you’re praying for me. Say you love me and that is all. But please don’t tell me cliche’s and one-liner like you’re handing me a 99 cent greeting card to magically make all my sorrow go away. It just doesn’t work that way. I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but I already know God has a plan. I do trust Him implicitly. I know God’d timing is best and I know God has His hand on my life. I just already know all these things. I just don’t feel happy about it at the moment because I am still coming to terms with the sense of loss and anxiety I feel. I am allowed to feel sad. I just need to know that someone out there sees me, hears me, and is including me in their prayers. And maybe, just maybe somebody reading this can relate and let me know that I am not the only one whose body is tricking them into false hope and the dark realm of delayed fertility. – –

– –

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Side note:
I have a doctor’s appointment on the 29th to try and determine what is wrong with my body. I will eventually get answers. It is just that the wait between then and now is what has me so sad, heart sick, and anxious.

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7 comments on “Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick

  1. courtnorm says:

    When did you start your weight loss program? I’m not familiar with the program except through your posts, but I wonder if the structure of that, with the change in the diet and everything… if maybe that can be a cause of the irregularity… Any new supplements and things that can mess with your hormones? You are most certainly not alone, as I went through a similar struggle when I was trying to conceive, only to find out my symptoms were caused by my thyroid condition. Praying for you!

    • Court,

      I started it 6 weeks ago. My doctor doesn’t think it is entirely related due to all my other symptoms. She thinks it is hormonal. Plus, I haven’t technically exercised at all. The entire 12lbs I lost so far was just from dietary changes. It might affect a regular cycle, but it wouldn’t mimic a pregnancy… I dunno?

      I do know my thyroid is fine, so that is ruled out. Thanks for your comment and encouragement….

  2. Linds says:

    What about the weight loss and exercise? Did the doctors not tell you that could be the reason your cycle is messed up? It’s VERY common! Even a five pound drop in weight or ANY increase in exercise can stop periods for a while off and on. I would be interested to know your other “symptoms” if you are willing to share them with me. I’m so sorry that this is happening. Though I have never had to “wait” for a pregnancy, we did have a miscarriage in January that we kept private. I’m very nervous to see how things will go when we try for a baby later this year. I am praying that your body will line up right now! Also praying that the second part of that verse becomes true for you and Chad very soon-“…but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” Love you!

    • Linds,

      As I said to Courtney above, I didn’t really exercise. I lost 12lbs over a course of 6 weeks on dieting alone. My supplements were all natural, holistic, and plant based. I have lost weight like that before and still continued to be regular with my cycles. It is all so weird. The biggest reason my doctor ruled it out as a cause (though not necessarily discarding that idea entirely yet) is because of all my pregnancy-like symptoms. She said weight loss can definitely affect a woman’s menstrual cycle, but that weight loss usually doesn’t bring on pregnancy symptoms like mine. I will message you my symptoms…. Thanks for your comment and encouragement. I hope the second half of that verse becomes true for us very soon as well….

  3. Kimberly says:

    I’m so sorry! I can understand how you feel. As someone that looked for any sign or symptom, I also found this…heartbreak. The meds I’m on mess with my hormones, thereby I don’t have “reg.” periods. So it might just be that the food you eat caused your body to change in other areas too. I will be praying for your heart, but I know that when Psa. 30:11(“you have turned my mourning into dancing”) was written to give you hope for your guys’ longing.

  4. Sonya says:

    I’m really sorry that you are hurting over the turmoil of the ebb and flow of the hope and disappointment. For what it’s worth, I have been where you are – not exactly, but I do know how you feel. I don’t want to publicly post too much, but I can tell you that it is possible that you are pregnant and have a wrong blood test. Yes, they are accurate, but maybe it’s just too early to tell. It’s good to check into other physical issues, but there is also something to be said for intuition. It is true when they say that women know when they are pregnant.

    I will keep you in my prayers. =)

  5. Colby says:

    You are seen, heard, and included.
    Prayers,
    -Colby

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