Rantings and Mental Anguish

**Warning: The following post is full of strong emotion and complaining. What you are about to read is a natural human reaction to adversity and should not be considered an indicator of declining levels of sanity or emotional health. Expressing one’s self through words is a therapeutic act and not a sign of a lack of trust in God, nor significant to that person’s spiritual well-being. This message has been brought to you by your local RCWREWDASS (Real Christians with Real Emotions Who Don’t Act Super Spiritual)**

I think most people can say that they’ve felt the weight of the world on their shoulders at some point or another.
The question becomes – How do we deal with that weight?

For me, I am fairly good at prioritizing, but I am also fairly good at putting off things that are mentally straining.
I am 100% thankful to be able to attend college and get a degree, but I think the fact that I have been in college for 10 years working on a 4 year degree has me a bit on edge.

The biggest mental strain on me right now isn’t my senior level classes, or even Comprehensive Exams. My senior level classes are challenging, but are right up my alley. They focus around my passions and future goals, so despite the challenge of the material I am all there. Comprehensive Exams have proven to be challenging as well with a ton of reading, studying, writing, repeat. But again, reading and writing are what I love to do, even when it is difficult. So I work hard and do well.

So you wouldn’t think that my biggest challenge is Elementary Spanish. Literally, a freshman college language course.
I don’t want to hear how learning Spanish is profitable, or how I will always look back and be glad I took these courses.
The problem lies with the fact that no matter how hard I work at it and how much I study, It just doesn’t get easier.
The more I learn, the more I forget. Just when I feel like I can wrap my mind around present tense verb endings, we start learning preterits and exceptions with irregular verbs.  Just when I think I might skate by with a B in this class, I am staring at the review sheet for my upcoming test on Thursday and I can’t even answer one question confidently.

The issue is that I am not naturally good at foreign languages, in fact I almost have a mental aversion to them. The problem is that I just don’t have any driving passion behind learning Spanish. I know it is profitable, but the syntax, spelling and pragmatics (etc) of English are so ingrained in my head that it is hard to re-wire them easily.

And it is hard for me to accept that the GPA I worked so hard to attain will be taken away from me, no matter how hard I try to keep it. The only thing I can do now to deal with this weight is to try my best to let it go. In the grand scheme of things, a lower GPA isn’t the end of the world. I am going to be the first person in my family to get a Bachelors Degree. I am going to be able to work in a field I am passionate about because of this future piece of credentials.

That is what really matters in the end.

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